Thursday, February 08, 2007

I'm Famous!

I was the one who submitted this to Overheard in Minneapolis! Some people are so NOT P.C.

Go here to read what I overheard:

All That When "Hey You! Chinaman!" Will Work Just Fine.


R.I.P Anna Nicole Smith...

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. — Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy playmate whose bizarre life careened from marrying an octogenarian billionaire to the untimely death of her son, died Thursday after collapsing at a South Florida hotel, one of her lawyers said.

Smith, 39, collapsed and was unresponsive while staying at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino, said the attorney, Ron Rale. She was rushed to a hospital.

"She checked in Monday at 8 p.m. as a guest. She was due to check out tomorrow," said Danielle Giordaano, a spokeswoman for the hotel.

Smith had been a tabloid staple even before she became Playboy's playmate of the year in 1993. Readers were fascinated by her bombshell good looks, her marriage to an elderly billionaire and subsequent court fight over his estate, her weight fluctuations, and last year, the sudden death of her 20-year-old son, Daniel Smith.

A former topless dancer, she made her name squeezing into Guess jeans. She resembled the late actress Marilyn Monroe, a similarity played up in her Guess magazine ads, billboards and department store displays.

In 1994, she married 89-year-old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II, the head of oil-based Koch Industries, which is part of a family fortune worth at least $400 million.

He died in 1995, setting off a feud with her former stepson, E. Pierce Marshall, over whether she had a right to his estate.

A federal court in California awarded Smith $474 million in a complicated legal twist that began after she declared bankruptcy. That was later overturned.

But in May, the U.S. Supreme Court revived her case, ruling that she deserved another day in court in her battle with her former stepson.

The justices said only that federal courts in California could deal with her case despite a Texas state court ruling that Marshall was the sole heir to the estate.

Then, the stepson died June 20 at age 67. But the family said the court fight would continue. Daniel Smith died Sept. 10 in his mother's hospital room in the Bahamas, just days after she gave birth to a daughter.

An American medical examiner hired by the family, Cyril Wecht, said he had methadone and two antidepressants in his system when he died. Low levels of the three drugs interacted to cause an accidental death, Wecht said.

Meanwhile, the paternity of her now 5-month-old daughter remained a matter of dispute.
She was born Vickie Lynn Hogan on Nov. 28, 1967, in Houston, one of six children of Donald Eugene and Virgie Hart Hogan.

She married Bill Smith in 1985, giving birth to Daniel before divorcing two years later.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007


After much torment and angst, we just couldn't keep our old version of Bertachel alive. It failed to survive the transition from the old blogger to the new blogger. We had no option but to kill the old Bertachel and create a new one.

But don't fret my pets! We were able to move most of our old posts to the new Bertachel and we have even began writing new posts! So make sure to check it out! We promise to try and post more on Bertachel this time around, rather than every 2-3 months.

May the flogging of fashion continue!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


I am listening to "Moonlight In Vermont" by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong, and is it me, or do these musicians not mesh well together?

Take the menthol-cool stylings of Ella for instance - she's singing beautifully about moonlight in Vermont, voice smoother than silk... putting me at ease. Then BAM! Armstrong explodes into the soft setting and takes away the charm and velvety goodness of the music.

Just a random thought I thought I'd share with everyone.

Friday, January 26, 2007


I put my iPod on shuffle just now, and I decided to write about the first 5 songs that it pulls up, and talk about one memory I have about that song... so here it goes!

1. "Tired And Lonely" from Way Markings (songs adapted from Dag Hammerskjold's diary) - Sung by The Choir of Christ Chapel
First of all, this makes me laugh so hard because out of 1,582 songs, my iPod decides to bring this one up first. This is part one of four, I think, of a piece we sang my sophomore year in Chapel Choir. We all hated it by the end, mainly because our crazy director with the lazy eye was so into this piece. She would always go into detail about how Dag Hammerskjold was the U.N. Secretary General and was such a great man; and people found his diary after he died in a plane crash in the Congo and wrote his words into music. Most of all we hated it because we were forced to practice singing and saying the letters "K" and "S", and our director would make us go over, and over, and over practicing the correct amount of force and annunciation we used with words containing those letters. Oy vey. With words like, "melt water trickles down the rocks" and how his "fingers are numb and knees tremble" - this song would make anyone want to plug their ears... but man, it brings back some funny memories.

2. "One Word" by Kelly Osbourne
Matt and I first heard this song at the Saloon. It was playing in the video bar, and I fell in love with it right away for some reason. When I finally downloaded it off iTunes, I noticed that there was some French being spoken in the background, but I could never really pick up on what they were saying because the music and Kelly's voice was too loud. Matt and I would pretend to know what they were saying in French and sing along, but it always just came out as whatever we wanted it to be with a heavy French accent. It is a good song, but it was one of those songs that I listened to again and again, so I got sick of it after a while. I haven't listened to it for quite some times... I forgot it is a fun song.

3. "Dream About You" by Keri Noble
I don't really have any one memory about this song, other than my friend Missy gave me a copy of Keri Noble's CD that this song is on. It does make me think a lot about friends that I have lost touch with through the years. And for some reason it always made me think of my ex-girlfriend (yes, I said girlfriend. I was "straight" for about 23 years...) Robin. I always felt like I left that relationship in a bad way, and I always regretted how that all ended and wish I could have gone back and done things differently. We are still friends today, but rarely see each other. This song is kind of, ok VERY, sad. It makes you think a little!

4. "Happy New Year B" from the original cast recording of "RENT"
Though I've never seen the stage production of "RENT", I did see the movie the day it came out. So my memory tied to this song is the movie. Matt and I went to see it in Eagan, and there were a large number of high schoolers and "Rent Heads". The high schoolers were all the theater kids and when the movie started they practically gave a standing ovation and I wanted to turn around and give them all a stern, adult talking-to, but decided not to. Anyway, this was the first time I had actually heard the whole sound track in one sitting. I hadn't heard all of the songs before either, and this was when I fell in love with the music from the show.

5. "Estampie Natalis" sung by The Gustavus Choir
I loved this song. We sang it for Christmas in Christ Chapel my senior year when I was in G-Choir. It was a good song, and it was kind of different and fun. My favorite part was the end, because we had bells, a violin, and a tambourine that all went nuts at the end... plus we had to be very shrill and slide up from low to high, so we were practically screaming at the end. Good times. The tenors started this piece alone and I remember we had so much trouble getting off on the right foot with this song sometimes. After we had practiced it long enough and should have had it pitch perfect, we would still get it wrong sometimes and get that look from Dr. Aune... the one that looked like the flesh was about to melt off his face and he was going to come up and shake us to death. It's times like that when I miss singing in choir.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

WARNING: Explicit Photo Below

Tout Va Bien's caption: The role of "horned-up, crazy groupie" was played by Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann Tuesday night in the nation's capital.

Tout Va Bien Associated Press

Drying her moistened loins after attending her first State of The Union address, Minnesota's homophobe, Michelle Bachmann, gets her rocks off and nearly collapsed after planting a wet one on President Bush Tuesday night.

After clamoring for not one, but TWO autographs from the President and doing some major ass-kissing, LeBachmann could not keep her hands off Mr. Bush. Face plastered with a smile and sporting her deranged, devil eyes, LeBachmann made it a point to keep looking in the President's direction like some poor neglected puppy until he noticed her at least 10 times.

Questioned about her highly inappropriate kiss, LeBachmann had no comment for the Tout Va Bien Press; however, our inside source attending the President's speech overheard LeBachmann mentioning something about God telling her to kiss him, just as He told her to run for Congress.

We here at TVB can only assume that LeBachmann is concocting a plan to break-up the President's marriage to Laura Bush by performing romantic/sexual acts on the President in public. TVB experts and analysts predict her next move on Mr. Bush to be a public act of the "oral" nature.

Upon touching the President's shoulder one last time as he exited the House of Representatives, LeBachmann creamed herself and fainted again. There has been no update on her current condition.

Reaction by the public about the kiss has been unanimous - when shown the photo above and asked about whether or not the kiss was appropriate, 100% of those polled began violently vomiting and were unable to answer our question.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Is it me, or did the American Idol auditions in Minneapolis suck? Randy Jackson called us "Minne-hopeless". After one singer, Simon Cowell said that his horrid performance pretty much summed up the Minnesota auditions: useless at everything. Ryan "I'm Gay But Too Scared To Come Out" Seacrest even called our region the "Midworst". One would think that out of 10,000 auditionees that they would put many people through to Hollywood, but no - a measley 17 people advanced. Sad.

I know they mostly pick the bad singers to be on TV for ratings and whatnot, but here is a sampling of some of the characters they aired last night, making Minnesota look like a bunch of bumbling morons... I promise we aren't as stupid as they made us look!!!

1. The show started off with the girl who absolutely LOVES Jewel (who, by the way, made a lovely addition to the judging panel last night! She made ugly Paula look like a pile of puke!)... dresses like Jewel, tried to sing like Jewel, and sort of looked like her too if Jewel were younger and had over-processed hair and beaten with an ugly stick. After collapsing to the floor practically begging to be let through to Hollywood for about 10 minutes, they finally kicked her out and moved on to the next disaster.

2. The weird girl who sang the Cowardly Lion song from "The Wizard of Oz", LIKE the Cowardly Lion sang it. All I can say is, ODD. At first I didn't realize that was her actual audition piece, until she finished and smiled at the judges... I thought she was singing like that as a joke. Apparently not. And the special poster she made to go along with it? It looked like a kindergartener's art project.

3. The girl who sang "Kiss" by Prince. Was there really a highlight to this performance? I don't think so, considering she forgot the lyrics THREE WORDS INTO THE SONG. Then she just kind of held her hand up to her ear like she had headphones on and barely sang. It was one of those moments where you're embarassed for the fool on TV. I had to turn away, it was too sad.

4. Jason Anderson from my hometown of Burnsville was by far the best worst audition of the night. He sang (horribly) while twirling his juggling sticks. His juggling sticks were the ones you see at the Rennaissance Festival... that wretched nerd fest out in the boonies. After they told him no, the judges got him to juggle some more, and even dance! It was so pathetic, and made me embarassed for Burnsville. Oy vey. I'm telling you, it was like a bad car accident.

I called my little sister after that mess and she knows the juggling bear. He goes to her high school, and though she isn't friends with him, she said that she thinks he is one of the theater kids - oh boy! And then she said, "He'll probably get pushed down the stairs tomorrow." I cannot even begin to imagine how badly the other students are going to make fun of this poor kid today. He made an ass of himself on national television and then proceeded to curse and cry in the most dramatic fashion on his mother's shoulder in the lobby! He committed social suicide by auditioning. I wonder if he had any idea that his audition was going to be broadcast to the world? I can't wait to talk to my sister and see what happened to him at school today. Is that bad of me?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Co-workers = Gross

1. The Nail Clipper - Since when is it appropriate to clip one's nails at work? I have serveral co-workers who clip their nails at work, and I find it utterly repulsive. Not that my co-workers are the classiest bunch, but still - it's disgusting. I hear that clipping noise and it makes me want to walk over to them and shove the clippings up their nose (while wearing rubber gloves, mind you). I am deathly afraid that someday a clipping will take flight and find its way into my coffee or my hair. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit a little in my mouth. My friend, Dena, in Chicagoland regales me with stories of her co-worker, Arthur, who clips his nails almost daily with scissors. No matter how many times she throws his scissors away, he manages to find another pair and clip away. So apparently it is a universal thing and not just limited to Transport America. If they continue clipping at work, I think I'll start peeing in the middle of the row I sit in. Yes, that might be just as bad as clipping. I'll whip out my who-who-dilly, start spinning around real fast, and pee.

2. The Walking Air Freshener - Strong perfume... whew! I have a co-worker who, I believe, dips herself in lilac perfume every morning. It is so over-powering that my eyes start to water the instant I sit down at my desk in the morning. The smell evetually wears off around 2pm, but those first 7 hours are complete torture. The smell eventually gets to be a cross between a lilac, the Como Zoo Conservatory, and an ash tray. I'm pretty sure there is something about wearing strong perfume in our employee rule book. I'll have to investigate.

3. The Incubus of Viral and Bacterial Plague - Co-workers who don't wash their hands... I cannot tell you how ill this makes me. It freaks me out more than #1 on this list. These people really make me want to wear a biohazard suit to work every day. You know who I am talking about! You're in the bathroom minding your P's and Q's and you hear/see the co-worker walk away from the urinal or stall, and walk right on out the door! At that point I freeze, start to panic a little inside, and hyperventilate. I feel so dirty that I must stand at the sink and practically scrub my hands raw, dry my hands with four paper towels, and then use those paper towels to grab the door handle and walk out. Just writing this gives me the heebie jeebies. And if I see who the culprit is, I have a hard time communicating or making eye contact with them the rest of the day knowing what they've done.

I believe the Transportation Industry harbors many of these types of people listed above. They are a weird, crude, rude, and GROSS bunch of people sometimes. Not everyone here is weird, crude, rude, and gross... but that group of normal people has a far smaller population.